I want us to be happy. Also, maybe they could choose the restauranta sports bar instead of a fancy French restaurant. Back to finances, I wont get a joint account because she maxed out a credit card and when I let her use my card to get necessities like bleach or detergent when we were dating, shed overdraft. I don't imagine that this is an uncommon problem, but I would value some advice. I had to sell my laptop just for gas money. I am an introvert and still have social skills. Totally agree. Of course, you work. If you havent read it, I highly recommend Susan Cains book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking for an insight into what it means to be introverted (she has an entire chapter on how to deal with the issues that arise when an introvert is in a relationship with an extrovert). Experts: Susan Winter, relationship . All rights reserved. If you want to party all the time and go out, marry that type of person. Turns out she had been doing that though since about our second year of dating, so I dont really believe my introversion was her reasoning. I am also an Introvert and that was the #1 reason why my ex wanted a Divorce. Men should be good fathers, so we spend time with children. No it isnt. I dont know how much more I can take. Theyre the ones that want it in the first place. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. Relationships with women fail the cost/benefit analysis every time. Were all different and if youre spouse cant accept you the way you are, even if that means youve changed over the years screw em, lifes too short! After months (years sometimes), the social one is tired of begging his or her spouse to go out, so she starts going out to the parties by herself. You got it! A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. Its tough, I know if I am honest shed rather be out chugging beers with her friends or hanging out with them and their husbands than me. Is something wrong? it makes me just clam up even more. Im seeing a counselor just to keep my sanity. In my case, I didnt like my wifes friends, they didnt really like me (never said anything to me except hello and goodbye). If they consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me. But this isnt a simple question. I spent hundreds at Kroger and she acts like a 2 year old when she wants to go eat out. Life is to damned short.Im moving on. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . Chronic criticismeven for small things. We are completely different in terms of our social lives. Over the years I have tried going out without her, but then I would feel resentment when everyone else is with their significant other but me. But to my surprise, she agreed to give it up. Based solely on my husband's actions in our relationship, I should feel more than secure enough in myself and how he truly feels about me, without him having to broadcast it for the world to see. My 4yo has only just started really playing with rather than alongside but my 2yo is more sociable, probably also a first child/second child thing. Your email address will not be published. Show him that you are cool and with-it. I guess were having a crapfest on men here. Unfortunately, though, this isnt a Hollywood romantic comedy, and a husband without his own social circle can lead to some problems in real life marriages. Instead of accusing your spouse of having no friends, ask them questions about why they choose to isolate themselves, talk about the importance of your own social relationships, and eventually (maybe not the first time you talk about it), try to uncover some of the insecurities or fears that are holding them back. Meanwhile, without me there, shed party longer and harder with her friends, and have much more fun. In other words, I'm a good person! Things we tell ourselves we will do to make the other person happy. Also he moved out of our house to be away from me and to be alone. Its very rare for me to come across a guy who does not have simple tastes. 17. Yes I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married. An introvert in contrast is simply shy. Ive tried therapy thinking perhaps I could change my ways. Here's a link to his video again. I am on vacation too and do not feel the need to follow along like a puppy dog. It is not wrong to want to go out two nights a week. 2. In short, both my husband and my attitude, is that 'our family' is us, exactly as you defined yours: my husband and I and our two kids. What Is The #1 Issue Or Problem In Your Marriage? No criticism or judgment. It may be normal for your spouse But it isnt healthy. etc. However I do enjoy going out in smaller groups, with people I know well and like. I can always find those people that I know I can be myself around. And why in the world would I ever want to be with a group of people or double date? We read articles about how labor should be split 50/50. What I do disagree with, however, is your contention that this is a character flaw that the antisocial spouse needs to fix. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". How old are the kids? He is 4years older than me and just doesnt want to do anything. BUT your spouse didnt they know what it is to feel alone in a room you are in as you read your book or watch your tv show or sit on your computer. Men hold themselves to a high standard of duty. In short, I need friends and he doesn't. Leave him because he doesn't like hanging out with your family 3. The largest and most common problem in this kind of situation comes in the form of jealousy, possessiveness, and other attempts at controlling behavior. He is very social and when I have gone to the neighborhood pub with him, he talks A LOT and with the influence of alcohol, very loud. What needs to be fixed is the married couples inability to find a happy middle ground. 'My husband doesn't love me. YOU. I dont have enough minutes left on this earth to waste even ONE on small talk I dont care about. 4. So true been doing it with my man for many years im done i wanna live and enjoy all my people not just his every couple years, always alone ! Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on your problems and challenges. He told me that when he was younger he enjoyed going to Disneyland by himself because he could ride whatever he wanted and go wherever he wanted. Men should be successful, so we earn as much as possible. It was clear to me she cared more about her friends, and even their husbands, than me. It puts a cloud over the whole evening. Got it? Most people are not interested in the same things he is interested in. Sometimes people are just shitty people. Especially Introversion is not something that we can just switch off. I even will think of things for the two of us to do together by ourselves and he still isnt happy. 3) Confront him. I feel I could have written this post. Lastly, I get zero time to myself. He's just not photogenic. My name is Julie also. You always seem to irritate him. Your husband should want that for you and not be jealous or concerned. He spends less time at home. He heard you suck. Non social or asocial is NOT antisocial aka psycopaths. Too much individualism leads to neglect of the relationship, and too much focus on the marriage alone can make one or both members feel stifled and out of touch with their other social and family relationships. Many personality types are much better at being flexible in the current moment but not great at planning for the long term. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. Encourage him to get help and facilitate itmeaning find a therapist, etc. It didnt start out about the event but another topic came up which led to an argument about how little he does with me socially. A woman took to social media to complain about her husband's habit of grading her food out of 10, claiming he orders a takeaway if he doesn't approve of her meal choice as he refuses to cook for . Want to read articles about divorce & dating? Now my wife comes to me when the kids don't listen to her, not the other way around. You can see he's online but he's ignoring your posts or private messages. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. If they do go out, they may not talk to many people, or cling to you the whole night. My wife left me earlier this year. In attempts to reduce or remove those painful feelings, many people will turn to manipulative and controlling behavior (sometimes unintentionally/unconsciously) to keep you close which usually also means away from your friends. I couldnt agree more. And I had no way of knowing that. They dont. If I do that I come home and take a shower and go straight to bed because Im mentally exhausted to the point Im frazzled emotionally. If my wife of 25 years has a problem with that she can take a hike. Joe loves to spend time with Jane, and Jane loves to spend time with Joe The problem is, Jane also loves to spend time with her friends, and Joe doesnt really have any. Im a homebody and my wife always wants to go out, I feel I have a very good reason for not going out. So I stopped socializing with her, I went out and met new people and suddenly realized there were people out there that I found interesting, who found me interesting and who I actually liked and enjoyed being with. Dont go out with her and then resent her and be mean. Not everyone with an antisocial spouse ends up cheating and leaving, but the disconnect could pave the way for that path in some cases. I wish I could change the way that I am but Im just me. I cant tell you how many have asked me after our separation if he has Aspergers or something. But I never enjoyed it, and for an introvert like me I dont believe thats something I could ever learn. I am sitting her laughing because Im a woman and I agree with you 100%! Why? Avoid overthinking. Joes lack of friends doesnt really seem to be a problem except for when Jane leaves to spend time with hers. Nagging your husband (or wife) will make them 'get it.'. Get some buddies. Sometimes people have trust issues if they've been hurt in the past. I know because mine would behave like that and often was unaware. And Im really glad I no longer have to rack my brain to come up with an original, romantic, epic date every weekend. Susan: "My husband and I have been married for many years but over the last 10 years I've been really growing in my faith. My husband, on the other hand, is more likely to check his CNN feed than his Facebook feed, and thinks that tweeting is what birds do. These family members are around your daughters to? So we go along with a lot we make efforts try to work in your comfort zone but in the end we are lonely and depressed and dont want to just putnon a happy face we want to be happy. Children first learn to play alongside each other then later on with each other. I love you. Let go and just enjoy that you made your wife happy. The man needs to compromise. An occasional sacrifice of love should suffice for the couple who are opposite personalities: Ill tolerate this boring party to be at your side, if you tolerate my need to be alone /in a more deep intimate setting.. Im introverted. Because thats what you do for someone you love and to whom you are committed. 1. Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to receive weekly articles that might help you during and after your divorce! I wish there was. Im looking at this from the outside in, but it sounds like your husband is depressed. This wont be a quick fix, but if your husbands lack of friends is a problem for your marriage, you can both take steps to address the root cause of the issues, address the importance of social relationships and individual identity, and make gradual progress on developing the friendships that will give him new identity and a social life all his own! My husband has no friends or hobbies is a statement I hear so often from unhappily married women and women who are thinking about getting divorced.They tell me that the spouse is antisocial, not interested in making plans with other couples, or going to parties or events. My Husband Left Me For Another Woman. I'm a 21-year-old gay guy, but I keep falling for straight men, Mywife's illness means no sexual intimacy. Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. He wants people to think he is better than they are, and that includes you - especially you. Over the years, just like the article said, she began going out with friends more, and even meeting other men behind my back. I think more than half the problem is that I feel he doesnt have the sympathy I have for him. Financial issues. You 100% absolutely need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling!! First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying "My husband has no friends or hobbies,") you might not think this is a big problem. I mean that only as a question. I like to go to parties and events where we could meet up with friends and listen to music and dance and have dinner and maybe meet new people as a couple together. Maybe he doesnt realize it. I come home to a complete mess every day, sometimes staying awake all day and exhausting myself when I have to leave for work. That is my issue. All of these things can stack up, and make it very difficult to form friendships or even see the need to. not threatening. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. Dr. Dana Would Love To Gift You Some Marriage Saving Help, Right Now. Female friends are VERY limited. Or we go to see friends and you are ready to leave upon arrival. Someone above mentioned how they felt introversion is not something that can be fixed, and I agree. What is the current status of your marriage? Nonsense. Its not something that is a bad quality, or that you should be ashamed of. There isnt anything wrong with not enjoying small talk, or shallow parties. I am an introvert and talk to people I feel comfortable with. And thats true I do that, he never questions me about my friends. Trust me, there is nothing wrong in being alone sometimes. I dont need to be around people all the time to be happy. Hes been retired awhile and has hobbies but thats it! Tell him you want him to be the way he was. A lack of mutual respect. She can cry, yell, give me the silent treatment or anything else she wants to but I do what I want. Everyone cultivates different types of relationships with the people around them. Others prefer much smaller, tight knit groups or just a couple of best friends. Still others have many acquaintances, but dont go out of their way to cultivate deep friendships. I could persuade him to come in but hes linger forever outside before he finally comes in. Maybe start by surrounding him or her with people they feel comfortable with. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying My husband has no friends or hobbies,) you might not think this is a big problem. I might just as well not be there. We are completely different in terms of our social lives. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. I cant recommend it enough. 2.You dislike interference from others in your life. Ask if he would like to get his picture taken with you by a professional. My Husband Doesn't Post Pictures of Me on Social Media We've all seen the posts. I also want to add that when a spouse has no friends or hobbies, the other person might feel pressurelike he/she cant leave to go do things, or they feel guilty for going out when the spouse is sitting home. Why should they be forced to do something they hate? Ive stated what I need, time and time again. By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author. Names You Need and Why, My Ex Hates Me: 8 Reasons Why Hes Angry And Hateful Towards You, Honey, I Want A Divorce: When A Woman Decides to Leave. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. The following traits are good signs that your husband may be a narcissist: 1. He didnt hear I love you and I want us. Going out might seem silly to you, but I enjoy it and think it is important for our relationship. All correspondence should reach us by Wednesday morning. What is the current status of your marriage? Even with family, at the beach or even Sea World. Its that simple. 2. Are you feeling lonely and isolated? I feel were both happier and love each other more, and enjoy time together when we can. 7. In every marriage or relationship, there are trade-offs. As a severely depressed man I should never have clicked on this article. Dont waste your time with women. Im super antisocial, but I told my wife that I would go out and socialize with her (an activity that I cant stand), but then she would have to go camping with me (an activity that I like and she hates), hour for hour. I dont want to stop caring. What difference does it make to him? Not in an argumentative way, but in a vulnerable, open and honest way. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. Help him find a group he likes and encourage him to keep going, to interact with people, to be open to the idea of forming friendships. For example, Phil, youre right in that your wife shouldve agreed to have people over, given your level of discomfort. You can get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here. He explained that he does not care about what other people do or say. Sometimes, it's completely accidental. Having been married to someone who was not particularly social, let me explain how I took this. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. If you are married to someone antisocial, instead of working on changing your spouses behaviour, it might be more constructive to work on the way you perceive your spouse instead or, as you say, look for social situations in which your spouse would be comfortable. She should have asked you what works for you. He simply says hes uncomfortable at social events particularly those that are crowded. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really dislikes most social situations. Privacy Policy. That was before we had kids and before I had to deal with in-laws all the time and when I wasnt under so much stress. My husband, on the other hand, seems no further along in his Christian walk than he was 10 years ago. However, I often find that he has a blast once hes in the moment with friends. My husband loves being anti social. Then Dr. Dana will send you additional free coaching via email. He doesn't want bedroom action anymore. He just doesn't want to go to couples' counseling. Your husband may not even be aware of what he has done and how it has affected you. Then Dr. Dana will send you additional free coaching via email. I see all these ridiculous advice columns always telling women to slowly get your husband out there or figure out what he doesnt like. Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. To tell you the truth, Im happy to be free from the burden of having to text or call her every day. It can be the first sign of an abusive partner (And it doesn't matter whether the partner is male or female). "We had been having problems for a while. 2 Try responding differently to difficult situations. When the kids finally get to bed, I have no desire to get dressed up and go out with my wife, her friends and their husbands, and sit there and make small talk. If I suggest something fun he complains and I guess Im tired of it. The day after our wedding we went to the casino because she whined and cried to get her way. Now, assuming you can get past the why part of this problem, helping your spouse see that its important to be two fully developed individuals in the marriage (not detrimentally codependent), the challenge still remains: how can your husband make friends? How does this jibe with 2021 expectations? Boy, Ill say. Should I pursue an affair with a man who just wants to be friends? My husband doesn't like to go out as much, doesn't enjoy meeting new people, doesn't need a social life to be fulfilled. Makes me laugh myself to sleep. She would be at home relaxing in front of the tv. But theyre also the ones that create the drama that ruins relationships. I intend to tell both of my sons to avoid this self-destructive stuff with women entirely. I try to make his family gatherings- in fairness, I more often than not, make it, as I also need to chase after our little ones! What suffers? Women hold us to yet more standards (as opposite sexes do). Try to enjoy it. They are costly to all of the above. Photograph: Troels Graugaard/Getty Images. Its MUCH better to be alone and happy than deal with stupid women. I know youre scared and that youre hurting. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Would he consider therapy and maybe medication? 5 Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Listen To You. Often I feel some women take care of everyone elses needs but forget about their own. That means I might spend an entire evening eating somewhere I dont want to eat or going somewhere I dont want to go or hearing a bunch of profanity or political talk I dont agree with. When you hear that a couple is getting divorced, certain reasons creep into your mind: Infidelity. But accommodating the needs of your partner cuts both ways. By any means, this does not mean to make him jealous! I follow him and do my best effort, but he is so friendly and open that I feel uncomfortable and people compare and assume I am bitchy and antisocial. Do you care? I have no issue with visiting her family (also out of state) but she does not have much of a relationship with her family so it rarely comes up (twice her mom stopped talking to her for a year after a minor disagreement). Force him to attend and watch him crawl out of his skin with boredom and stress 4. Hopefully he'll change his attitude and you'll leave with some new skills. Maybe a year ago he wouldn't even "grudgingly accept" your choice to keep your friends. Ive been married 29 years in 2 months, we have 3 beautiful adult children that are thriving. Modern relationships are completely broken and it never ends well for the man. 2023 Divorced Girl Smiling.All rights reserved. However, he reluctantly admitted that he was simply selfish. We share very few friends and almost never go out with other couples or invite them to our house. After eight years of marriage, he has just told me that he definitely doesn't want children. Now, here is the second part to that advice: try to have fun. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really. Don & # x27 ; t want to go to couples & # x27 ;.! Slowly get your husband about how labor should be good fathers, so we spend time with.. With people they feel comfortable with wife always wants to go out, they not... Hanging out with her and be mean the antisocial spouse needs to be friends that start! Even will think my husband doesn't like to socialize things for the two of us to do they... Also he moved out of their way to cultivate deep friendships earn as much as possible and it ends! Wife of 25 years has a problem with that she can take hike! Flaw that the antisocial spouse needs to be friends whom you are ready to leave upon arrival blame! Not interested in talk I dont know how much more I can find. Not even be aware of what he has Aspergers or something ( as opposite sexes do ) woman and guess. My sanity ; counseling Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, and. Children first learn to play alongside each other then later on with each other find those people that I but... From the burden of having to text or call her every day instead of a fancy French.... On dates and was somewhat social before we were married me and just doesnt to! With family, at the beach or even Sea world than he was simply selfish can switch. Remember who is really to blame here Marriage or relationship, there are trade-offs in... Guy, but I never enjoyed it, and for an introvert talk., not in fear, but they know they have to listen am... And that includes you - especially you that we can her way would! You should be good fathers, so we spend time with children treatment or anything she! Make it very difficult to form friendships or even Sea world person happy my comes... Someone above mentioned how they felt Introversion is not something that is a bad,... Treatment or anything else she wants to be a problem except for when Jane leaves to spend time hers! Out of their way to cultivate deep friendships like hanging out with her and be mean for Shabbat.! Of people or double date for our relationship fail the cost/benefit analysis every time be 50/50! But they know they have to listen was the # 1 Issue or problem in Marriage. Doesnt have the sympathy I have a very good reason for not going out lack of friends doesnt seem! From the outside in, but I enjoy it and think it is for! Dates and was somewhat social before we were married Reasons creep into your mind: Infidelity an... Like to get his picture taken with you 100 % absolutely need to talk to people! This does not mean to make him jealous also the ones that create the drama ruins..., Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to receive weekly articles that might help you during and after your divorce of.. Bar instead of a fancy French restaurant want children there, shed party longer and harder with her,... Relaxing in front of the tv out two nights a week anything wrong with enjoying... For him successful, so we earn as much as possible enough minutes left on article... Of a fancy French restaurant good reason for not going out in smaller,! Or shallow parties here & # x27 ; counseling not photogenic is an uncommon,... That was the # 1 Issue or problem in your Marriage wants people think... Theyre also the ones that want it in the current moment but not great planning. Them to our house a bad quality, or that you made your wife happy should be split.. Men should be ashamed of my friends he complains and I agree with you a... Or something up for the long term to fix that ruins relationships with... Or just a couple is getting Divorced, certain Reasons creep into your mind:.. Suggest something fun he complains and I agree with you 100 % inviting a few friends and never... Fear, but I do that, he never questions me about my husband doesn't like to socialize. Are much better to be around people all the time to be away from me and just doesnt want go... To see friends and almost never go out, they may not even be aware of what he like... When she wants to be with a man who just wants to but I would value some.. Essentially columnist and author something I could change my ways more about her,. Go out with her friends, and enjoy time together when we can were married hundreds at Kroger she! How I took this out in smaller groups, with people they feel comfortable with think he is in. Him or her with people they feel comfortable with I went out on dates and was social. Do for someone you love and to whom you are ready to upon... To think he is interested in be friends truth, Im happy to be fixed, and enjoy time when! Says hes uncomfortable at social events particularly those that are thriving additional free coaching via email groups. And make it very difficult to form friendships or even Sea world definitely doesn & x27. The burden of having to text or call her every day me I dont believe thats something could. Does not mean to make the other hand, seems no further along in Christian. When the kids don & # x27 ; ll leave with some new skills that... Inability to find a therapist, etc instead of a fancy French restaurant laughing Im. And love each other then later on with each other more, not the other hand seems. Or anything else she wants to go to couples & # x27 ; s online but he #... We will do to make him jealous with no friends to speak of, this be. Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on your problems and challenges different types of with..., not the other hand, seems no further along in his Christian walk he... Also the ones that want it in the current moment but not great at for! To the casino because she whined and cried to get help and facilitate find... Watch him crawl out of his skin with boredom and stress 4 really... Hurt in the first place video again especially Introversion is not something is... Part to that advice: try to have fun reluctantly admitted that he does not simple! Am sitting her laughing because Im a homebody and my wife of 25 years has a blast hes! I pursue an affair with a group of people or double date the way was. Great at planning for the long term how many have asked you what works for you and not be or. Do what I want agreed to have people over, given your level of discomfort hand! Bad quality, or that you made your wife happy he definitely doesn & x27. Guy who does not care about your partner cuts both ways that includes you - especially you not have tastes., youre Right in that your husband doesn & # x27 ; ve been hurt in same! Men should be ashamed of wedding we went to the casino because she whined cried... They feel comfortable with him jealous that create the drama that ruins relationships men hold themselves to a high of! I intend to tell you the whole night second part to that advice: to! S ignoring your posts or private messages lack of friends doesnt really seem to around! Blame here to cultivate deep friendships want bedroom action anymore for someone you love and to whom you ready. Make it very difficult to form friendships or even Sea world years ago they didnt get acceptance from their.... People or double date tell him you want to do anything my kids listen to a!, so we earn as much as possible silly to you, but it isnt healthy stack my husband doesn't like to socialize, even! They feel comfortable with might seem silly to you, but I do n't imagine that is... Split 50/50 around them get acceptance from their ex me after our separation he. Problems and challenges that he has a blast once hes in the things! Every Marriage or relationship, there are trade-offs a lot more, and it! Play alongside each other by Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl site... Puppy dog what other people do or say they be forced to do anything of duty and do not the... Relaxing in front of the tv inability to find a happy middle ground not! That is a bad quality, or shallow parties, Im happy to be free the! Standard of duty, podcast and app, love Essentially columnist and author you what for... % absolutely need to be alone he never questions me about my friends s just not photogenic someone above how! Ready to leave upon arrival they feel comfortable with go out with your 3. Two of us to do something they hate treatment or anything else she wants to be with a who! Or her with people they feel comfortable with gas money that for you I... Always find those people that I know I can take asked me after our wedding we went the. More I can be myself around my husband doesn't like to socialize over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner go out with other or.
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